An American, a Mexican and an Italian ...

An American, a Mexican and an Italian robbed a bank. As it turned out, they got a lot of cash in Dollars, Pesos and Liras.
When they returned back to their hide-out, the American distributed the money in three even shares. He counted each portion aloud:
"1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you ...
1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you ...
1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you ..."
The Mexican said to the Italian, "Well I can't stand these Yankees, but I have to admit they are honest.

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FHA LoanA New Orleans lawyer ...

FHA LoanA New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Administration) loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to aparcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property datedback to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.After sending the information to FHA, he received the following reply: ?Upon review of your letter adjoining your client`s loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which youprepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared the Title to the proposed collateral property back to the year 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.?Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:?Your letter regarding Titles in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have Titles extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in theproperty arena, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. fromFrance in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus` expedition. Now the Pope, as I`m sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume thatHe also made that part of the world called Louisiana. I hope you are satisfied. Now, may we have our Title??

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The old native American wanted ...

The old native American wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?""Take jewellery to city and sell it," was the response."What have you got for collateral?""Don`t know collateral.""Well that`s something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.Have you got any vehicles?""Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?""Yes, I have a horse.""How old is it?""Don`t know, has no teeth."Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off."What are you going to do with the rest of that money?""Put in tepee.""Why don`t you deposit it in my bank," he asked."Don`t know deposit.""You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"

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The banker fell overboard...

The banker fell overboard from a friend`s sailboat.The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?""Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."

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Daughter in college...

Daughter in collegeDid you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter`s college education?As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"

I took my wife to ...

I took my wife to the bank to tell her something, but the teller told
her something instead. So I let the teller teller!
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A man walks into a ...

A man walks into a New York City bank and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says "I`ve got a Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off -- here are the keys." The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank`s underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000.Three weeks later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $2,000 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, "Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand dollars?"The man answers, "I had to go to Europe for three weeks, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?"

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Dear Bank Manager...

Dear Bank Manager,I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been inplace for eight years.You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2005, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.To this end, please be advised about the following changes:First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open suchan envelope.Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorised contact at your bank, the only person with whom I willhave any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice.By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:1. To make an appointment to see me2. To query a missing repayment3. To make a general complaint or inquiry4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received.5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received.6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answeringservice. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I`ve chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:"Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for"After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you.My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn`t come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.Your humble client

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Bank NameMother ...

Bank NameMother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something `practical` for her birthday."Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted."It`s your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for `Name of your former bank.` After a slight hesitation, she put down `Piggy.`

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Loan ArithmiticLittle Johnny ...

Loan ArithmiticLittle Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. `If you had ten dollars,` said the teacher, `and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?``Ten,` said Little Johnny firmly.`Ten?` the teacher said `How do you make it ten?``Well,` replied Little Johnny `You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn`t mean you`ll get it!`

I never made my car..

I never made my car payments on time. My car was possessed by the 1st
Devil's Bank of Hell. (Geez, I must have forgotten how to spell
possess... it looks funny to me and I am too lazy to look it up right
now.)

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Online BankingTECH...

Online BankingTECH: Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you?CUSTOMER: Oh, hello young man. I was wondering if you offer online banking?TECH: We`re an Internet service provider, ma`am. You can certainly use our service to connect to online banking.CUSTOMER: What do I need to do that?TECH: You just need the modem in your computer. That plugs into a phone jack. Sign up for an account, and sign up for online banking with your bank.CUSTOMER: But where does the money come out?TECH: I`m not sure I understand?CUSTOMER: You know...Does the money come out from that slot on the computer?

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Insufficient Funds...

Insufficient FundsA young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!""I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad."You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.""What are you talking about? That`s one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake.""I don`t think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, `Insufficient Funds`."

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Customer Service...

Customer ServiceI`m not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me
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Drive Through ATM...

Drive Through ATM ProceduresPlease note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.MALE PROCEDURE* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.* 2 Put down your car window.* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.* 6 Put window up.* 7 Drive off.FEMALE PROCEDURE* 1 Drive up to cash machine.* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.* 5 Turn the radio down.* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.* 9 Insert card.* 10 Re-insert card the right side up* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.* 12 Enter PIN.* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.* 14 Enter amount of cash required.* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror.* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt.* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook.* 19 Re-check make-up again.* 20 Drive forwards 2 feet.* 21 Reverse back to cash machine.* 22 Retrieve card.* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.* 27 Release Parking Brake.